A new beginning

OMG!!! We are really pregnant! I still cannot believe it. I know there is still a possibility that it can end as an ectopic pregnancy. But I am going to sing God's praises as long as the baby is with me, and there after if that is the case. I have said since April that if we got pregnant it would be in August. Who knew that it was God's plan too. ;) Praying hard and hoping all is going to be ok. Kylee and Paul are so excited as well. Now if I can keep the nausea under control we will be all good! ;)
Blessings,
Missy

Confused

I am so confused, I have no clue how to get music to play on my blog.

I am so confused period, guess there doesn't really need to have a reason!

=P

-Missy

I cannot get a grip!!

Well yesterday was a VERY bad day for me. Today isn't as bad but not as well as I would like for it to be. I love the fact that when you rent, you are not responsible for the costs of repairs when things happen. Such as a leak in the bathroom that has slowly been behind the wall for awhile now and has caused mold and needs the faucet, tile, and sheet rock repaired. But then again , when you rent - you do not get the job you want done. I would do so much with that bathroom if the tile had to be knocked down and such, but ummm no!! I would love to buy again, but that is so far away from happening! We talk about leasing this house, but realistically I don't want to. I would like to stay in this zip code, close to this area. I love it here. It is close to Kylee's school, Landon, Our doctor's and dentists (minus Kylee's Dr), hospital, church and close enough to Paul's work. But I just don't know if I can do it here. By the time I get this house where it would need to be, I could have paid the same price down for a nicer maybe a little bigger home! I am so confused. We go back and forth with this all the time, lease or not to lease. I guess I just need to win the lottery - Ha!!

I am sitting here still waiting for the stupid maintenance guy to get here. Over an hour late so far. As I just sit here. I am suppose to be at Nikki's today with her and Nicole getting stuff ready for Dylan's party, but I am just sitting here. Seriously it is so much fun - NOT!

I have been flip flopping alot here lately with some feelings. I feel like as this roller coaster called grief continues, it is just getting harder. It seemed so easy to lean on God, family and friends right after he passed. I found so much hope in things and knew I wanted to help people, get on board with the hospital, show people that God is still good. I believe that, truly I do. I don't think I could wake up and get moving everyday if I didn't think that God is still good! But, it is harder to see now. I feel it and know it, but the devil steps in sometimes and reminds me of the things I do not have with me today rather than allowing God to shine through and show me things to still be grateful for. Most nights I just think about how much happier I would be if I could go lay with him and just sleep next to him. Impossible now! But I yearn to be there. Then there are the days I can barely see because the tears just keep coming and sometimes I am not even able to pinpoint the reasons for the tears other than I just need him here. Then again, I have days of total numbness, nothing good nor bad. Just numb. Those are actually the worst. I feel like I am forgetting him, when I know I am not. I right at the moment wish to be pregnant for many reasons. It scares me on some days but most it is all I hold onto. Yes, I KNOW that it isn't always healthy. Yes, I know that I shouldn't want something so badly right now....blah blah blah!! Be in my exact shoes people, then you can see what it is really like rather than what you guys are "Imagining" it is like. Or the whole, I can't believe they are doing this, I would.... You guys have no clue. And I understand that, but........I don't know......anyway.......

I think I need to stop for now. I will get back on later I guess. Oh! The FPU homework is finished and done and that is one thing I look forward to. If only it were a quick fix though, but at least it is getting us somewhere. Hope you all have a great day and that my day gets better, though not looking promising.
-Missy

Bad Day Overall

I cannot believe it is September! Wow time is flying!

Anyway, not having a good day today. Too much to even write about in detail. But it goes along these lines...my house, money, garage sale, job?, self worth, missing Landon LOTS!!, bathroom, renting, major repairs, car, alone with too many thoughts! I can actually go on, but I am just getting more frustrated as I list basics down. I am trying really hard to stay positive right now.

The good news of the day though is....I finally got a budget together and right. Starting with this next payday I have found a way miraculously to save each payday. I know it seems crazy for some of you who don't know me very well. But here is the deal. Paul is the bread winner in this family. I do not work, well I do not have a job that pays. I work!! But nothing beyond the normal for a housewife/mom I guess. I use to clean the church and get paid for that, but I was STUPID and gave it up while I was pregnant with Landon. I know I ask myself the same question. It seemed right then, but just wasn't in the long run. It was such an easy job and I gave it up for what!? Anyway, I want to earn some extra cash - but that is another blog in itself! So back to the subject here, Paul has only worked for AT&T for 2 years. When he started here we took a $10 an hour paycut and less hours as well!! So needless to say we have definitly STRUGGLED!! God has provided through and through!! But now for the first time in 2 years (if not longer) I seem to have found a budget that will work. I am so excited. It took me 2 1/2 hours today to do, but is well worth it. I can't wait to start down the road to financial freedom. Now I know I won't be rich - Darn It!! But to just stop living paycheck to paycheck would be nice.

So that is my one and only good news for the day. Everything else has either been bad or frustrating!! I have a lot on my mind, especially the thinking of what I would be doing and how my life would be if Landon were here. Next Saturday will be 7 months!! I just can't believe it. And I know it will get harder as Kylee's 10th bday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and his one year anniversary get closer. I am hoping to be pregnant soon, that would be AWESOME!! Scary, but great. But in all honesty, it will NOT take these emotions and feelings away. Overall he will not be here. And if another baby comes, I will just be thinking how that baby will never know what an awesome, fun, and active big brother they had. So I know that it won't make it better, but it is something I want so badly! I guess we will see. I am hoping that God can give me this blessing again!

Well now that I have just depressed myself more than when I started typing I guess I will go and get ready to get Kylee from school. Hopefully she had a better day than me.

-Missy

I am missing Landon alot today. Can't help but think that it would be me and him at home right now rather than just me while sister, Kylee, is at school. Wish he were here.

Yay!! Kylee had a great day!

I am so happy. Kylee was just not my normal sweet loving and positive little girl last week. She had some major stresses over many things. We had a serious talk last night after a really good weekend. She admitted a few things to us and we were able to really get through to her that life is so much better when you trust it all in God!

Well needless to say I think it worked! She came home today cheerful for the first time after school. She is excited because her support group is tonight and she had a good day at school. She said she prayed this morning and her day was better. She said she still doesn't like the homework, but who does - right!?

Thank you God for the encouragement and peace you gave Kylee today. I ask that you continue to wrap your arms around here and remind her that you can handle it ALL! Thank you thank you Thank you!!

First FPU Blog

Ok guys! Paul and I have started Financial Peace University, yes again. We didn't fail last year, we just plain quit. I always used the excuse then up until yesterday that we quit because Dave Ramsey's emergency fund turned into a baby fund. But as I sat there last night listening to the first weeks lesson, I learned that I was using that as an excuse to not to do it at all. I mean it wasn't a surprise, when we started this last year I was already 2 to 3 months pregnant. I think Paul and I were not at a point where we wanted to hear that we were not doing what we were suppose to be doing with our money. I mean we are not ones to blow and go anymore, but we can definitly find ways to start making this work - we HAVE to, there is no other choice at this point.

When I sat down last night, it was like light bulbs had gone off in my head. Duh moments. I think it is different this time because we are doing it for us not for Judy or the church or to have something to do. We are REALLY wanting to get this started and to stay with it and do it correctly!! I know right now that this is NOT going to be easy!! But I am going to try my best, and have alot of support from many others around us.

Anyway, I am going to try and keep up with this FPU Blog post at least once a week if not more. It says to journal our experience, so I figured this would be the best place. This week we are doing our Basic Quickie Budget and reading chapters 1,2,3, and 10. ( If I can find my book from last year - I am pretty sure I know where it is) Actually hold on I am going to go look now instead of "putting it off"........YAY!!! I know you all can not see a time, but I actually knew eactly where it was. Took me a minute maybe to go get it out of our closet, man it was dusty...LOL!! Anyway, this is it now- I am handing ALL of my finances over to God. I hope, no I KNOW that if we do this correctly it WILL work for us. I guess you will have to keep up with me on here if you guys want to see our results the whole way through until the end, or should I say until our new beginning!!

-Missy

Life today

Well, tomorrow is going to be hard for me for some reason. Kylee is going into 4th grade tomorrow, and in a new school. Life is changing so quicky for us this past year. I feel so very lucky for what I have, but can't help to think that Landon should be here. It is Kylee's special day tomorrow and I need to focus on her, I know this, and I will. But today I just keep thinking how it would be if he were here. I usually don't do that, I try not to anyway. I figured that it would be too hard and the whole what if thing as well if I wondered how life would be if he were here. But I am human and unfortunately I do things that I know I shouldn't. Thinking of how Landon and Kylee would be together, and just how sad he would be that Sister was not around during the day....how can I not think about that!? Man I miss him so much!! I also think...wow I am supposed to be a stay at home mommy with Landon right now.....my baby boy isn't here, so now what!? I feel so worthless at the moment. I am home by myself now so there isn't much mess to kep up with, Kylee isn't as in need for her Mommy as she use to and Landon isn't here for me to take care of. I will be volunteering at her school of course, and hopefully we will get pregnant soon!? But until then what do I fill my days with? Seriously I don't know what to do anymore. I just miss my baby, Landon I wish you were here!! Kylee I am so proud of the little lady you have become! I am so in love with my family, I just need to find myself again, at least until Mommyhood calls again (hopefully)!
Missy

How do you know?

Wow, I am so full of emotions at the moment. I have been hit with something these last few days and hit pretty hard. How do you know you are a good wife and mother? If someone close to you is telling you that you are not, but you thought you were doing a pretty darn good job, what would you say? My first reaction was, uh right...ok, whatever you say. But then I got to thinking. Maybe my efforts are not enough. How do you really know if you are a good wife and mother, really? You can always try your best, but is it ever really enough!? It is especially hard when you are told by someone you trust and who should know you pretty well. Seriously though, when will anyone's efforts be enough? Will they ever? And how do you really know when and if they do? I guess I have readjustments that need to be made, and some heavy thinking to be doing.

6 months already?

Oh I never thought I would make it sanely to today, but I have - for the most part! I cannot believe 6 months ago today, Landon entered into heaven. I can just blink and see us in the hospital. I remember holding him, praying that his eyes miraculously open at that moment. It has been quite a journey so far. It is weird to me because the 4th and 5th months were so very hard. This month, which I figured would be the hardest until the year Anniversary, isn't as bad. There is such a peace in me. I actually feel guilty. I feel like I should be mourning more. Am I mourning? Of course!! Just not like I thought I would be at this point. I almost feel numb at points. I think...am I going nuts? Or is God bestowing such a peace at the moment because He truly knows I need it. This roller coaster is actually funny to a point. I mean, I usually am praying, "God please take this pain away, I don't want to cry anymore." And then there are the weeks when I am doing pretty good and not crying hardly at all if any and then I am praying, "God, please don't let me forget him, please help me feel what I am feeling, I need to cry for him." You know thinking about it, I am sure that I am frustrating the heck out of God!! The wonderful thing is, He is here and listening. He knows what I need and when I need it, not when I think I need it.

It has been extra hard this week. With Kylee's scope, it reminded me that I am not in control. Such a simple procedure, everything should be ok, but I couldn't tell her that. It kept popping in my mind that so many women have healthy babies everyday, very common procedure, yet Landon isn't here. I want to say I was scared, but in all reality, I wasn't. That freaked me out. I again, had a peace. I knew that no matter what God was in control. Landon taught me to let go and give it God. Overall I do want him here. I am honored that I got to know my son and then see him go home to God. I want him with me more than anything, but if he cannot be with me then the best place is where he is now.

I miss him so much!! He was so active. I had actually told Paul in the last few months of my pregnancy that I was going to nickname him spaz. He was constantly moving. I still get a few phantom kicks to this day, man I hate those. It pushes me right back to those days. Those are good memories of him, but then it reminds me in a very harsh manor that Landon is no longer with me.

Our family is forever broken, and we will never be able to fix those pieces. We are learning how to go through life with missing pieces and it is so very hard. I am not "over it" and I NEVER want to be. I want to go on with the new normal, but my new normal consists of a son that I no longer have with me. It is hard!!

Okay well enough rambling for now. Gotta go get ready to go.

Landon,
I miss and love you more than you may ever know. You were one of Mommy's greatest achievements and one of my very proudest moments ever. I love you with everything I am and everything I am not. I am proud to say you are my son. And I LOVE YOU!! Wish I could hold you just once more. I yearn for the day I get to see you again. I wish.....well everything, I just wish you were here again!
Love,
Mommy

- Missy

Friday the 7th

Well, it seems like forever since I have been able to write. Life is getting so busy lately. I would much rather be busy than to be bored but then again, you don't want to be so busy you cannot enjoy the life around you. So far it isn't too bad, but it will have to slow down eventually.

It looks like AT&T will be striking tomorrow. This has been looming over our heads since April. You think that we would have quite a bit saved up since then. To be honest we barely make it paycheck to paycheck and then with medical issues in between, it has made it impossible!! So I am sure Paul will be looking for part time work starting tomorrow. He is a hard worker and I know he will do what he needs to keep the family afloat! I also know that God is all powerful and all knowing. He will provide what He knows we need. Sometimes I forget that it may not be what we think we need, but we will be fine through Him and Him alone. I am starting to look at possibilities of what I can do on a part time basis to help the family out, strike or not. Regardless if Paul goes back to work Monday, we are needing the extra money. I have so many volunteer positions, which is very fullfilling, but realistically it doesn't bring any money in. What I love about Paul and I is that we agree NO amount of money is worth your time with your family. God's greatest commandment is Love! Now, providing for your family is important and necessary to obviously survive, but we can live by means that most cannot. I am happy and content with our life with what I have right now. I need no more to be truly happy. Would it help and do I have wants? Heck yea! I wouldn't be human if I didn't. The difference is I CAN live WITHOUT them, but would like to have them. ;) Kylee asked if we were going to have to move since Daddy is striking! Isn't that sad?!? She usually knows the drill when Daddy has to start a new job. Those things make me want to work if I have to. It is important to be with your children if you can. I know everyone cannot, but if you can it is the most important thing you can give your children. But giving them stability is important too. You can obviously see I am very up and down right now, what's new - right!?

There is sooooo much more going on in our lives right now, Kylee has her tour of her new school today and we are trying to get everything ready for the academy. We were almost 100% ready for Ditto, so now back to the beginning. She starts school on the 19th now as well! Whew! Then she has her scope on Monday! Please keep her in your prayers. She is doing better about the situation but is still obviously nervous. The death question has definitly come up. I am sure it is traumatizing for her after everything that happened with Landon. Then Wednesday we are at Landon's 6 month angel Anniversary. We are struggling in a different way with things this month. We are definitly getting "mad fun of" for certain things we believe in or do to remember Landon. Half of the remarks come from very close friends or family. We don't get mad just because we know they have no clue what we are going through and they won't know unless it happened to them, and we pray to God it never does. Then we are finally starting to experience the lack of comments, the ones who don't care or the ones who don't think about it at all. Which we knew would happen, life continues on for most. For us, it is still very fresh and new and we are just having a rough time with the roller coaster ride of emotions. I will say this though. For the people who are doing the above things, we have MORE people Not doing those things. We have so many friends and family who continue to remember him and give things for his grave. I would say out of the 100% of our friends and famiy, it is about 5% of those who do the above. We have most of them support, love, and carrying us through. They allow us to do whatever it is we need to do or think to get through this. To those people - THANK YOU!! We love you more than you will EVER know. Thank God for our support groups as well. GOD IS GOOOD!!! Well the alarm is going off so that I need to get ready for our tour today. God bless you all and I hope you all have a wonderful Friday

-Missy

Many Thoughts

So I am sitting here wanting to write all my thoughts down, but can't! I have so many going through my head, I can't put them down and see them making sense all together. So instead of writing them down and making a book about random things that don't make sense all together, I am going to compose them as a list of my thoughts at the moment. Maybe if I write them all down they will leave my head - wishful thinking??

1. I miss you Landon, I wish I could have had more time with you and want you here.
2. I cannot believe school is starting in three weeks, I want Kylee home. Oh the joys of letting your children go. =(
3. What do I do with my house? Continue to rent or lease to purchase? Our credit is screwed and even if we get it all together it will still be years before being able to buy our own house again. Should we take advantage of the house we have now (a big fixer upper, but no credit checks throught the landlord?) or wait as we watch our rent money go to nothing and nothing to show for it in the end?
4. Can't wait for Financial Peace to start up again - Aug.30 Yay!!
5. I wonder how long it will take us to get pregnant?
6. I really need to get off of the computer and go get ready for Bible Study.
7. I have an amazing group of friends, and can't wait until Saturday!
8. Kylee is growing up so fast.
9. I need a small side job to bring in extra cash, what should I do...No Avon!!
10. I love my God
11. What to do what to do what to do?!?

Okay, Well I have more on my mind, but seriously need to get ready to head out. Man I hope this helps clear my mind!

Thanks

Dear God,

THANK YOU!!

What a day!

So here I am this morning, trying to make it a better day than the few this week so far. I hate paydays at the beginning of the month, they never seem enough. I was actually feeling decent this morning, and then took my antibiotic. Ugh, about an hour after that I am a little nauseous again. Yay!!

Realistically it has been worse. God continues to show himself and help us through it all. I hate complaining when I know it could be worse. And for me, I try to say it can always be worse.

I have been complaining this last week on how I was feeling so numb lately. We would go to Landon's grave, I couldn't feel happy or sad. I couldn't smile or cry - was just numb! Well this is one roller coaster of a ride. I am feeling it a bit more today. I feel like I am going to have a hard time getting through the day without crying. Missing Landon so much! I don't get it though. How can I be so numb for days, and then Poof, I miss him and feel like falling apart!? It is so weird. I would think about him, it is so hard not to, but couldn't have emotion behind it. I keep asking myself, when is this going to end? I know the answer - NEVER! I don't want it to either is the funny part. I want him here with me always, whether that is a memory that makes me smile or a memory that makes me cry days on end. 12 more days until he would have been 6 months! 6 months!! I cannot believe it has been 6 months. It seemed to fly by so quickly!! I like to get information on what he would be doing right now if he were here. It helps me sometimes. Then there are days I don't read it, I want him here like I remember. Not what he would be doing. I don't know anymore, just a weird road of grief. Can never seem to get a handle on it all. I miss you baby boy!

Kylee goes to the GI Specialist tomorrow. Poor baby has been having tummy issues. Hopefully it is nothing too bad and they will be able to help her. I can't handle her going through anything. It would be unbearable. I am putting it solely in God's hands though. I am sure she is just fine! She has gone through a lot lately as well and I am sure it doesn't help her belly any.

Well these are my thoughts at the moment, I wonder what I will think next, LOL!!

Beginning

Well, here I go. I have been needing another outlet to get every thought, good or bad, out of my head. I don't do well journaling. I would much rather type. So here I am starting my new blog. I wish I had done this at the beginning of my pregnancy with Landon, would have been nice to go back and look at.
This is my outlet, I do not expect anyone to follow me everyday like we do sometimes with each other on facebook. I do not mean to offend anyone on here. I am never one to name names when I speak, so you won't here that from me. But I am putting my feelings on the pages. Good and bad. My therapy so to speak. I hope that this may help some other grieveing mothers/families, but at this point I am trying to help me. Through this whole process I have tired to focus on others and what I can do for them. I mainly do that to keep busy and not focus on how I am really feeling in my soul, deep down since Landon's passing. Plus I do really love helping others, it can give you a purpose behind your day. Now this has nothing to do with physically helping me, though I need to lose a few pounds, hahaha. I am trying to emotionally get a grip on my life. I have so many emotions run through me day by day, minute by minute. I sometimes push them aside or pretend I am 100% okay so that I can function normally each day. I do have my faith in God and that hasn't and hopefully will never change, but I am human and these emotions are consuming me at times. For me to be healthy in every sense, body, mind and soul, I have to face my challenges - whatever they may be.
Thanks for all the support.