Oh I never thought I would make it sanely to today, but I have - for the most part! I cannot believe 6 months ago today, Landon entered into heaven. I can just blink and see us in the hospital. I remember holding him, praying that his eyes miraculously open at that moment. It has been quite a journey so far. It is weird to me because the 4th and 5th months were so very hard. This month, which I figured would be the hardest until the year Anniversary, isn't as bad. There is such a peace in me. I actually feel guilty. I feel like I should be mourning more. Am I mourning? Of course!! Just not like I thought I would be at this point. I almost feel numb at points. I think...am I going nuts? Or is God bestowing such a peace at the moment because He truly knows I need it. This roller coaster is actually funny to a point. I mean, I usually am praying, "God please take this pain away, I don't want to cry anymore." And then there are the weeks when I am doing pretty good and not crying hardly at all if any and then I am praying, "God, please don't let me forget him, please help me feel what I am feeling, I need to cry for him." You know thinking about it, I am sure that I am frustrating the heck out of God!! The wonderful thing is, He is here and listening. He knows what I need and when I need it, not when I think I need it.
It has been extra hard this week. With Kylee's scope, it reminded me that I am not in control. Such a simple procedure, everything should be ok, but I couldn't tell her that. It kept popping in my mind that so many women have healthy babies everyday, very common procedure, yet Landon isn't here. I want to say I was scared, but in all reality, I wasn't. That freaked me out. I again, had a peace. I knew that no matter what God was in control. Landon taught me to let go and give it God. Overall I do want him here. I am honored that I got to know my son and then see him go home to God. I want him with me more than anything, but if he cannot be with me then the best place is where he is now.
I miss him so much!! He was so active. I had actually told Paul in the last few months of my pregnancy that I was going to nickname him spaz. He was constantly moving. I still get a few phantom kicks to this day, man I hate those. It pushes me right back to those days. Those are good memories of him, but then it reminds me in a very harsh manor that Landon is no longer with me.
Our family is forever broken, and we will never be able to fix those pieces. We are learning how to go through life with missing pieces and it is so very hard. I am not "over it" and I NEVER want to be. I want to go on with the new normal, but my new normal consists of a son that I no longer have with me. It is hard!!
Okay well enough rambling for now. Gotta go get ready to go.
Landon,
I miss and love you more than you may ever know. You were one of Mommy's greatest achievements and one of my very proudest moments ever. I love you with everything I am and everything I am not. I am proud to say you are my son. And I LOVE YOU!! Wish I could hold you just once more. I yearn for the day I get to see you again. I wish.....well everything, I just wish you were here again!
Love,
Mommy
- Missy
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