I cannot get a grip!!

Well yesterday was a VERY bad day for me. Today isn't as bad but not as well as I would like for it to be. I love the fact that when you rent, you are not responsible for the costs of repairs when things happen. Such as a leak in the bathroom that has slowly been behind the wall for awhile now and has caused mold and needs the faucet, tile, and sheet rock repaired. But then again , when you rent - you do not get the job you want done. I would do so much with that bathroom if the tile had to be knocked down and such, but ummm no!! I would love to buy again, but that is so far away from happening! We talk about leasing this house, but realistically I don't want to. I would like to stay in this zip code, close to this area. I love it here. It is close to Kylee's school, Landon, Our doctor's and dentists (minus Kylee's Dr), hospital, church and close enough to Paul's work. But I just don't know if I can do it here. By the time I get this house where it would need to be, I could have paid the same price down for a nicer maybe a little bigger home! I am so confused. We go back and forth with this all the time, lease or not to lease. I guess I just need to win the lottery - Ha!!

I am sitting here still waiting for the stupid maintenance guy to get here. Over an hour late so far. As I just sit here. I am suppose to be at Nikki's today with her and Nicole getting stuff ready for Dylan's party, but I am just sitting here. Seriously it is so much fun - NOT!

I have been flip flopping alot here lately with some feelings. I feel like as this roller coaster called grief continues, it is just getting harder. It seemed so easy to lean on God, family and friends right after he passed. I found so much hope in things and knew I wanted to help people, get on board with the hospital, show people that God is still good. I believe that, truly I do. I don't think I could wake up and get moving everyday if I didn't think that God is still good! But, it is harder to see now. I feel it and know it, but the devil steps in sometimes and reminds me of the things I do not have with me today rather than allowing God to shine through and show me things to still be grateful for. Most nights I just think about how much happier I would be if I could go lay with him and just sleep next to him. Impossible now! But I yearn to be there. Then there are the days I can barely see because the tears just keep coming and sometimes I am not even able to pinpoint the reasons for the tears other than I just need him here. Then again, I have days of total numbness, nothing good nor bad. Just numb. Those are actually the worst. I feel like I am forgetting him, when I know I am not. I right at the moment wish to be pregnant for many reasons. It scares me on some days but most it is all I hold onto. Yes, I KNOW that it isn't always healthy. Yes, I know that I shouldn't want something so badly right now....blah blah blah!! Be in my exact shoes people, then you can see what it is really like rather than what you guys are "Imagining" it is like. Or the whole, I can't believe they are doing this, I would.... You guys have no clue. And I understand that, but........I don't know......anyway.......

I think I need to stop for now. I will get back on later I guess. Oh! The FPU homework is finished and done and that is one thing I look forward to. If only it were a quick fix though, but at least it is getting us somewhere. Hope you all have a great day and that my day gets better, though not looking promising.
-Missy